"You Are Not a Moth!"

You are not a moth!" a friend texted me recently. I have been carrying these words with me for the past month. 

I am on day 132 of my handstand challenge, though I have been sick and took a couple of days off for some much needed rest for recuperation from a cold, which stole my voice. Mt first grade students welcomed me back with hugs, concerns, and cards overflowing from my desk piled high with papers, plans, and a computer now filled with the current virus. (I am now on my third laptop at work) My sick time left me in bed pondering these words.

"You are not a moth!" 

I once was a moth, fluttering towards the light, trying to break free from darkness, which I felt had consumed me in Arizona. Where I left a marriage, two of my children, a beautiful house, and a life I had come to love and then hate... I remember always being so cold, losing weight, gaining an eating disorder, a pill problem, fueled by a doctor who always increased my dosage. Fluttering back to Texas where my little wings were battered and torn.

When you are in the valley, keep your goal firmly in view and you will get the renewed energy to continue the climb.
Denis Waitley 

Energy. I love that word. 

Then I found light all around me. I spent hours on my horse, riding and focusing on the beauty around me. I found a relationship, different and challenging but filled with laughter. I went through two sessions of Divorce Care with friends who just let me cry. I found my home at TCU. Friends who lifted me up and challenge me to think harder than I thought possible. Karmany Yoga, where I found friends who told me repeatedly, "I matter and happiness is a choice." I found my Energy!

Energy. Recently people have started reaching out to me, to help them lose weight, find the joy they cannot see, find a yoga studio, and ask how I beat depression, found happiness. Though I do not have all of the answers, this is my current mantra:

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
Albert Camus 

1. Be active. I remember my body hurting from coldness and stillness. Move. Go for a walk. A run. But MOVE! HAVE FUN!!!

2. Do not spend your precious time on this Earth on negative moments. My Facebook is filled with positive, wonderful, people who lift me up daily. I do not watch the news. I very rarely know what is happening in the gigantic world. I have learned I cannot carry the weight of the world and I am ok wth it. I choose to READ about it if I feel I might need to catch up on current events. Which leads to number 3.

3. Listen to your body. Easier said than done as I am still working on this part. I am in charge about what I put into my body. About two years ago, my doctor told me I was allergic to caffeine. Yes, I chose to not listen to those dreaded words. Six months ago, my body and mind were still enough for me to conclude, you are not well. Could it be your doctor may have been right? These last six months I am caffeine free and it is hard but I sleep better than I have EVER!

4. The universe listens. Maybe it is God, I am not sure. However, I do know the universe listens and sometimes the answer is “Yes” and sometimes the answer is “No.” I shouted out to the world I wanted to go to TCU and a recruiter was placed in my path at just the right time. I have shouted to the universe I want to go to gradate school and I am employed at a school where graduate school is paid for. 

Do not be afraid to shout out your dreams. 

5. Set intentions. No matter how big or small. I wanted to be inspiring. It was an intention I set at the beginning of the year. I have inspired friends to go back to school, lose weight, ask for help about depression, yoga, lesson planning, etc. 

6. I do not know everything. Keep learning.

7. Spend time doing what you love. I love teaching first grade! I love yoga, food, reading, and writing. Spend time filling yourself back up with what you love. 

8. Embrace change. 

9. Do not be afraid to fall, for those moments are when you will grow the most. If I think I am going to fall in a handstand, I always fall. If I go into my handstand with no fear, I nail it every time. 

Which lead me back to "You are not a moth!"

There has been a moth in my classroom, huddled on the wall by my desk. I look at him every morning and think how in the last four years, my life has transformed. I am changing lives daily through my career. I learn about myself from my handstands. I am happy. She was right.  I am the "Light!"

Learning to Stand on My Hands

I am currently doing a 365-day handstand challenge.

Why?

I graduated May 11^th and it felt really good but also scary at the same time. TCU felt safe, secure, and familiar. Now, I no longer see my wonderful, beautiful friends daily. My focus and my routines have changed. I needed to find a job. Exhausting, nerve racking, and challenging. I did not get the job I wanted and that I had envisioned in my future for three years. Sometimes, when you shout out your dreams and ambitions, the universe listens. I have repeatedly told the universe I want to go to graduate school. It is on my list of things to do and important to me. The universe listened and I got a better job where graduate school is encouraged and reimbursed. A different transition.

A better transition, but one that has taken me awhile to embrace.

Inspiration.

I was inspired to start the challenge by my mentors. I was not to be deterred that they can pike or float with ease into a perfect handstand. I used trees, fences, walls, people, and other props to assist me when needed. The first time I tried to do a handstand without a wall, I fell completely over onto my back. I did not quit though I was quite embarrassed my oldest son Andrew witnessed my attempt. I returned to my studio and I asked for help from my yoga teacher and friend on how to cartwheel out when I fell. I had no idea how to do a cartwheel, something I never learned as a child. 

I probably do the most t attempts of anyone else doing the challenge. I take videos and snap the shot where I finally get up. They are never perfect and around day 18, I almost quit. I was having some unplanned surgury and had the excuse. And then the magic happened.

I had a breakthrough. I need to turn on my shoulders. I need to press down into the Earth. I need to press as hard as I do with my legs when I walk or stand.

This challenge is about growth. Growth in my body and mind. Creative growth. Perseverance.

A year and a half ago, I could not do a handstand. I could barely do a forearm stand. I watched from my mat at these people whom I thought were aliens from a different planet launch up all around while I did “down dog” on the wall to “strengthen my shoulders.” Yet, I continued to try. “If you never try, you never know if you can do it,” I have heard more than once at Karmony. I finally got up into my handstand and one-day, splatted down the wall. Embarrassed, I regressed back down to forearm stand for probably four months. “Here, let me help you,” my instructors would ask. “No thanks, I fell one time, “ I would rely back. I would come home and practice in the safety of my house. Finally, I asked for help from my left-handed friend, Katy Jane who showed me how to power off. I got up and now have a left footed assist, which I am told is a little unusual for a right-handed person.

What is yoga? My definition of yoga is working to live those poses in my life. To breathe through the transitions, of finding a new job, having a new schedule, meeting new people, and working my edge of uncomfortable in my life. The poses are getting easier on my mat and life is getting easier too. I am learning to see the perfection in my life, that choosing to be happy is a choice, it is okay to cry and be sad sometimes, and everyone has stress. I can wrangle with it in my mat and they will mop up my sweat when I leave. If I numb the pain, I numb the joy. Yoga is about learning how to live! Oh, and building flexibility feels amazing.

A few of my friends have messaged me that I inspired 

them. It was one of my intentions I set for myself for 2013. I wanted to inspire people. I never thought I would. Just a sentence I added in a blog, and the universe listened. I have inspired people to return to school, to change jobs, to come to a yoga class, to workout, to run a marathon. A friend of mine told me, “You can’t control how you inspire people.” It may not be to go to Karmony, or do a handstand, but it feels magical to know I have inspired a few and fulfilled an intention.

What have I learned so far on Day 25?

Ask for help when you need it.

Build on what you know.

Fear is okay.

Falling is okay.

Celebrate daily.

Watch the video and learn from mistakes.

Get up and try again.

I am stronger than I think.

Being upside down is good for your skin.

My shoulders look amazing!

Why stand on my hands? It is uncomfortable and thrilling at the same time.  I am learning to embrace it!

Namaste!

Defining Jealousy

Jealousy.

An evil word.

You justify tearing people down when you use it, live it, breathe it.

Weight.

Car.

House.

Kids.

Age.

Grades.

Job.

School.

Pose

(Or, insert any number of items here)

Jealousy will steal your joy. 

I do not find myself jealous very often, if ever lately. I choose to drink in other people’s joy. Their smiles.

Their triumphs.

Their new cars, their dreams, new jobs, yoga pose, new clothes, their awesome accomplishments, kids, house, lawn, etc.

I do not know when I decided to quit giving jealousy power.

I remember a time, where I wanted highlights, new clothes, a new car, a fancy Trapper Keeper, a sister.

Where instead I poured peroxide on my head, got trash bags of clothes donated from my mom’s friends, and drove a 1983 Mercury boat, used my Trapper Keeper over and over (should have not picked out the one with the unicorn) and had two brothers.

I was jealous, but I was a child and childhood is where one grows the most.

I endured.

I changed.

I learned there is more to life than looking across the yard at your neighbor and being jealous. At looking at someone's body and wishing I looked like her.  For you see, they have struggles. Struggles you cannot see. Everyone struggles.

Everyone.

I love to see my friends and family doing well.

New job, great!

You can float into a handstand. Amazing!

You got a new car. Beautiful!

You retired. Rejoice!

Took the vacation you always wanted. Lovely.

You graduated. Well done!

I need to breathe these moments in, to feel inspired, to focus on the good instead of the bad. 

The definition of “struggle” is to progress with difficulty.

I did not see your rejections from the jobs you did not get.

I did not witness the multiple times you fell out of the yoga pose for a year.

I did not see you save for three years to buy a new car or to go on a vacation.

I did not stand in your shoes for 40 years while you worked.

I did not see the hours of homework and student loans you have.

Everyone struggles.

Everyone.

My struggle is not with me being jealous. I learned long ago that is not worth it. It will steal your joy, your smile, and your life.

My struggle is when others are jealous of me and try to tear me down.

Why?

If you want my joys, you would also have to endure my struggles and believe me, they have been numerous and painful. You would crumble beneath the weight of my internal and external battles.

I have failed, more than once. I have cried and prayed. 

 Yet, I always manage to emerge stronger and smarter.

I set high expectations of myself.

I am my harshest critic. 

Yet here I am.

Why should we ignore others happiness? Because your accomplishments are different then mine? Well, they should be! There is only one me and only one you. The world would be different without either of us. We both matter. No one is better, just different. We have different dreams, goals, inspirations, and aspirations. We are diverse. We make different choices everyday. Different is not bad. Different is unique.

I do not believe myself to be better than anyone else. I am just a girl, trying to live a life where there is always joy, smiles, hugs, and cheers. I have made choices both good and bad and I do not expect you to understand them. However, I do not believe we should ignore people’s accomplishments. Embrance them. Do not add struggles which are not yours to own.There are enough struggles in our lives, in our world, without borrowing more. 

Choose Joy! Laugh! Love! Smile!

Present, for the First Time on MY Mat!

I have been missing my 8:30 yoga class so I decided I need to figure out which evening classes are going to work into my new “big girl job” life. I walked in to yoga tonight and the class was full. Yikes. Evening yoga is different but I love full classes. I make my way back to the back and of course, two lovely women make room for me. I had a great day today! I have smiled, been the magnificent badass I know I am by just being present.

This morning was beautiful. The sunrise was brilliant. I spent this morning in class, blah, but with my friends, yea! I reached out to my LOL partner, Lisa and shared some joy and inspiration with her. I took a nap and spent time with my dad. I mean I had a truly great, non-eventful day.

I look up from my mat and there is a woman who was my child’s second grade teacher. She knew me when I was happily married, a stay at home mom, the school’s PTA president, a beautiful time in my life before my marriage fell apart and I was thrown away, to be replaced by my best friend. My ex-best friend still works at her school.

The dialogue went like this:

Amber: Come onto a block and go inside.

Me: Oh no. Please do not let her see me. I want to run from this room. What if she recognizes me? What am I going to say? Am I really going to say, “I am great? I lost two of my kids. I miss them but they live with Michael. You remember him; I am sure Veronica talks about my family.” Wait! Maybe she does not recognize me.

Amber: Come into your breath.

Me: I cannot breath, Amber! I am in pain. The pain is flooding in. Tears are starting to form. Oh, gosh what if Amber calls me out in class? Will she say my whole name? Wait! I am safe. She is not going to use my married name. I can be invisible. I will not stand out. I will just blend in. Amber is talking about my neck and tension. UGGGGGGG can she feel my tension?

Then I finally shook off the inner dialogue and I had a break through. How many times have I listened to Rebecca and Amber speak about staying present on your own mat? I have never known what the hell they were talking about! I decided to stop my inner voice that was not serving me. Could I let it go?

Then the dialogue went like this:

Amber: Bring your shoulders straight up to your ears.

Me: I left a situation where I did not feel love. I have made it through college and not any college but I chose TCU, a college, which has challenged me and made me step out of my comfort zone by being present in class and stretching off of my mat everyday. I have met amazing friends and people. I am a badass and she probably has no idea who I am. I am going to enjoy this class and smile. I am going to stay on my mat, not her mat. I will focus on my breath and not on thoughts, which do not serve me and make me weak. I will smile and have a great class. Can I focus on my core the whole class and lift my toes? I can do it!

We continue through the neck releases and I hear Amber.

Amber: Let’s lay back, core work!

Me: Woo Hoo!

And I smiled. I had a great time! I held my handstand for ten breaths! I counted my breaths in a handstand! I got my big ole head (on my right side) under my ankle in head to ankle.  I stayed on my mat and Amber even commented on my smile.

75 minutes flew by! I was present the whole time on MY mat. And it was a beautiful class.

Thank you LOLers for being honest about your feelings and sharing them with me. I gathered all of our readings, your posts, Amber’s words, our readings, and Karmen’s neck massages and I let them flow through me on my mat.

I left Karmony tonight a strong happy badass!

Namaste