Second Chakra

Today I sat in our meeting and I wanted to talk so very badly. Gabby somehow knew it. She asked me at the end and all I could do was shake my head. This week has been very intense for me. As we studied the second Chakra in class all week long, I knew I would struggle with this place that is so numb in my body I am not sure it is there anymore. I take ballet classes, very beginner, and constantly I am told to find my core. In yoga, I know I need to activate this place and cannot. I enjoy running and can tell that I am not breathing into that place and my runs turn painful.

As I held back the tears and listened to all of you speak, I decided to journal and I would like to share with all of you what I wrote.

Listening to everyone talk and I am holding back the tears. If I open my mouth, they will pour and I will not be able to speak. I was so excited to start this process. The “Root” Chakra was exciting, energizing, and made me happy. I have great “roots.” And then Gabby emailed me the next piece in my journey and it scared me. If I talk, I will cry. I am almost paralyzed by fear. I left my husband of 13 years because he could not grow with me anymore, and he loved someone else, and I was okay. My two oldest kids chose to live with their dad and not me. It took awhile, but I was okay. I went back to school and a door opened for me to attend TCU and I was okay. I had to have a partial hysterectomy, and I have never been okay. I mourn this part of my body that is gone. I am numb in my second Chakra.

Gabby then asked me if I had anything to say and I stopped writing.

I am not ashamed to speak of my losses, but for some reason, I could not speak today. I am thankful to be in this class and listen to all of your stories. Thank you for sharing.

I have always been the “emotional” one in the family. I cry at goodbyes. I cry when I laugh. I have never stopped crying about losing this part of me that was just an organ that did not work anymore.

I still need to work on my second Chakra but at least I finally have a deeper understanding of why this place in my body feels so dead to me.