Working on My Masterpiece

“Working on the masterpiece!” I use this phrase when I leave the house to go workout, whether I am going to yoga or running on my treadmill. I used to use exercise as a form of positive punishment. “You ate a whole pizza, now you must run five miles!” “You missed a workout, you must run five miles and then starve all day long!” Working on the masterpiece was about working out.

Lately, I have been in love with yoga. I began this journey about five months ago when my friend Katy Jane invited me to Karmony Yoga. I walked into this yoga studio and had the best workout of my life. The next day I received a text from Katy. Are you sore? Sore? I could barely walk. However, I went back the next Saturday and then the next. I will admit I was intimidated every time I took a class. I would look at everyone in the room and yearn to be able to do a handstand. Then one day, this amazing person named Rebecca Butler, said, “Be proud of the work YOU did on your mat.” This was not about what others could do but what I could do. After that, I kept myself focused on me on my mat and did not look at what other people could or could not do on their mat. I used the energy in the room focus on myself. I love the way yoga has made me feel about myself. I have learned how to breathe and not be so focused on being behind in life. I learned that I am right where I am supposed to be. “Working on my masterpiece” now means working on my journey, my mind, and this experiment that is my life. I am very proud of my masterpiece so far!

So this is my invite to you, my friends…

I would never have gone to this studio without my friend Katy. It took me two months before I went to a class without her. I am forever grateful to her because at this studio I have learned so much about myself as well as met amazing people.

If you want to try yoga but want to go with a friend, I will go with you. I will go with you until you are comfortable going by yourself. Try not to let yourself make excuses. Try it once. You don’t believe in all of the mumbo mind jumbo spirit loving stuff. Fine. Still try it out.

I chose “Joy” more and more because I was finally taught that “JOY” is a choice. My invitation is open to anyone that once to learn how to find JOY! 

Second Chakra

Today I sat in our meeting and I wanted to talk so very badly. Gabby somehow knew it. She asked me at the end and all I could do was shake my head. This week has been very intense for me. As we studied the second Chakra in class all week long, I knew I would struggle with this place that is so numb in my body I am not sure it is there anymore. I take ballet classes, very beginner, and constantly I am told to find my core. In yoga, I know I need to activate this place and cannot. I enjoy running and can tell that I am not breathing into that place and my runs turn painful.

As I held back the tears and listened to all of you speak, I decided to journal and I would like to share with all of you what I wrote.

Listening to everyone talk and I am holding back the tears. If I open my mouth, they will pour and I will not be able to speak. I was so excited to start this process. The “Root” Chakra was exciting, energizing, and made me happy. I have great “roots.” And then Gabby emailed me the next piece in my journey and it scared me. If I talk, I will cry. I am almost paralyzed by fear. I left my husband of 13 years because he could not grow with me anymore, and he loved someone else, and I was okay. My two oldest kids chose to live with their dad and not me. It took awhile, but I was okay. I went back to school and a door opened for me to attend TCU and I was okay. I had to have a partial hysterectomy, and I have never been okay. I mourn this part of my body that is gone. I am numb in my second Chakra.

Gabby then asked me if I had anything to say and I stopped writing.

I am not ashamed to speak of my losses, but for some reason, I could not speak today. I am thankful to be in this class and listen to all of your stories. Thank you for sharing.

I have always been the “emotional” one in the family. I cry at goodbyes. I cry when I laugh. I have never stopped crying about losing this part of me that was just an organ that did not work anymore.

I still need to work on my second Chakra but at least I finally have a deeper understanding of why this place in my body feels so dead to me.