The Perfect Shoe

Panic attack has begun! I am a senior at TCU and I am graduating on May 11, 2013. Today I had lunch with a group of my friends at her parents’ house and it was such a nice feeling to sit down and eat a home cooked meal with my friends. We were not at Potbelly’s or Einstein’s, the places I visit regularly with them. The food was amazing and her parents were so nice. We were all siting outside talking about what shoes we were going to wear to graduation and I had to hold back tears.

I registered for my final semester today and after writing so many reflections for classes my brain is forever changed to reflect on life. I have been on this journey since my birthday, September 1, 2009, the day I filed for divorce. I sat in my attorney’s office with my sister in law, tears pouring down my face as I closed a chapter in my life.

I moved from Arizona.

My family split into two houses.

I lived with my parents.

I enrolled in school.

I was on autopilot.

I met Steven and he asked Addison and me to move in with him.

I enrolled in more classes and struggled in math.

Steven tutored me a lot.

I would sit in his office and study because I hated being alone. I hated the silence and missed my kids terribly. I was so scared of school, of failure. 

Christmas, 2010, I applied and was accepted to TCU. I took 12 hours and my journey really began. I met my best friend Katy Jane that summer and we had an interesting 9 hours of summer school. My friends accepted me and my age did not matter.

I have spent two years with my friends. I have been on this journey of surviving for so long I finally realized the pain is not there anymore. Instead, school, my family, my friends, and Steven have shared so much JOY with me and I finally realized I am okay. I am no longer afraid of the silence. I smile and laugh so much and while I will not miss lengthy assignments and reflections I will miss my friends, our hallway lunches, laughing at our tables, walking to class, football games, and the place which I grew intellectually and emotionally.

This is Steven and my third Christmas together and we grow closer everyday. He makes me smile and while we do not have the perfect relationship, we laugh and continue to grow closer everyday. Perfection is over-rated anyway.

So, in 160 days I will graduate and things will change. I am ready to become a teacher and know my friends and I have the material we need to become amazing and successful teachers, and while I am very excited and proud of myself, I am sad and nervous. TCU is safe. The world seems scary.

And now, I must worry about finding the perfect shoe for the day I walk across the stage and finish my goal.

On to the next chapter….

My Open Heart

Why do I cry so much?

This question has plagued me almost my whole life and until recently I did not know the answer. I am currently an Early Childhood Education Senior at TCU and we spend an enormous amount of time reflecting on lessons, classes, projects, and more. You name it, we write a reflection about it. Sometimes I feel like I am reflecting on reflections.

I was probably in an intense pose in my yoga practice when this subject was brought up. Attempting to jet out of the room and remove myself from the intense stretch was all I was thinking about. Sweat was dripping in my eyes and instead of breaking the pose and wiping it away, I listened to the words, “You cry easily, you laugh easy and that, my friend is due to your open heart.”

But wait? I only cry easily. Is my heart only open to pain?

I decided to keep a small journal on my phone. I jotted down times I wanted to cry and times that I was happy, laughing, and things I found funny.

I cry when things are said that hurt my feelings. I take failure extremely hard; I judge myself and tend to bring tears to my eyes. I do tend to cry a lot. Crying was easy to measure.

But I also cry and feel for others and I love that about myself. I experience empathy and I am grateful that I can feel the pain for others. I decided that I liked this part of myself.

However, I laugh all of the time. I spend a lot more time looking at the beauty in others, in nature, in my friends, and in myself. I love my family and the quirkiness we share. I laugh at myself! I rejoice in the small. I make time for others and let them bring joy to my life. This part was harder to measure because I spend more time living in JOY! I love this part of my heart.

Photo by: The Click, Leah Layman

SO….I cry because I have an open heart. BUT I also laugh because of that open heart.  I love that my heart is open. Through tears and laughter, this an amazing gift that makes me Becky!

Working on My Masterpiece

“Working on the masterpiece!” I use this phrase when I leave the house to go workout, whether I am going to yoga or running on my treadmill. I used to use exercise as a form of positive punishment. “You ate a whole pizza, now you must run five miles!” “You missed a workout, you must run five miles and then starve all day long!” Working on the masterpiece was about working out.

Lately, I have been in love with yoga. I began this journey about five months ago when my friend Katy Jane invited me to Karmony Yoga. I walked into this yoga studio and had the best workout of my life. The next day I received a text from Katy. Are you sore? Sore? I could barely walk. However, I went back the next Saturday and then the next. I will admit I was intimidated every time I took a class. I would look at everyone in the room and yearn to be able to do a handstand. Then one day, this amazing person named Rebecca Butler, said, “Be proud of the work YOU did on your mat.” This was not about what others could do but what I could do. After that, I kept myself focused on me on my mat and did not look at what other people could or could not do on their mat. I used the energy in the room focus on myself. I love the way yoga has made me feel about myself. I have learned how to breathe and not be so focused on being behind in life. I learned that I am right where I am supposed to be. “Working on my masterpiece” now means working on my journey, my mind, and this experiment that is my life. I am very proud of my masterpiece so far!

So this is my invite to you, my friends…

I would never have gone to this studio without my friend Katy. It took me two months before I went to a class without her. I am forever grateful to her because at this studio I have learned so much about myself as well as met amazing people.

If you want to try yoga but want to go with a friend, I will go with you. I will go with you until you are comfortable going by yourself. Try not to let yourself make excuses. Try it once. You don’t believe in all of the mumbo mind jumbo spirit loving stuff. Fine. Still try it out.

I chose “Joy” more and more because I was finally taught that “JOY” is a choice. My invitation is open to anyone that once to learn how to find JOY! 

Second Chakra

Today I sat in our meeting and I wanted to talk so very badly. Gabby somehow knew it. She asked me at the end and all I could do was shake my head. This week has been very intense for me. As we studied the second Chakra in class all week long, I knew I would struggle with this place that is so numb in my body I am not sure it is there anymore. I take ballet classes, very beginner, and constantly I am told to find my core. In yoga, I know I need to activate this place and cannot. I enjoy running and can tell that I am not breathing into that place and my runs turn painful.

As I held back the tears and listened to all of you speak, I decided to journal and I would like to share with all of you what I wrote.

Listening to everyone talk and I am holding back the tears. If I open my mouth, they will pour and I will not be able to speak. I was so excited to start this process. The “Root” Chakra was exciting, energizing, and made me happy. I have great “roots.” And then Gabby emailed me the next piece in my journey and it scared me. If I talk, I will cry. I am almost paralyzed by fear. I left my husband of 13 years because he could not grow with me anymore, and he loved someone else, and I was okay. My two oldest kids chose to live with their dad and not me. It took awhile, but I was okay. I went back to school and a door opened for me to attend TCU and I was okay. I had to have a partial hysterectomy, and I have never been okay. I mourn this part of my body that is gone. I am numb in my second Chakra.

Gabby then asked me if I had anything to say and I stopped writing.

I am not ashamed to speak of my losses, but for some reason, I could not speak today. I am thankful to be in this class and listen to all of your stories. Thank you for sharing.

I have always been the “emotional” one in the family. I cry at goodbyes. I cry when I laugh. I have never stopped crying about losing this part of me that was just an organ that did not work anymore.

I still need to work on my second Chakra but at least I finally have a deeper understanding of why this place in my body feels so dead to me.