Pandemic 2020

It has been awhile since I have blogged. The internet suggests children keep a journal, as we are part of history. I agree. So here it goes. It has been two weeks since my life was forever changed.

One day in Esther’s kitchen, my grandmother told me a story while we were making pizza. My grandmother would make the best homemade pizza you could imagine- unless you had an Italian grandmother.

Her pizza pans were so old and totally disgusting. I probably asked her why she didn’t get new ones.
I can hear her to this day, “Becky Kay, those pizza pans were saved. You see the world was at war and they were asking everyone for metal. Scrap donations for World War II. And I hid those old pizza pans. Those pans are very important. There was a time where the Nation came together and helped each other. I hope that time never comes again. It was a tough time.” And we went about making pizza.

Now I cannot remember if she saved the pans or her mother saved the pans. I am sure I have a family member out there who remembers the story as I was probably 14 at the time. But it was a really big deal to have any type of metal in your home.

COMMENT: “Your Grandma hid them under her mattress and took them out at night to sleep.” Fred Fisher- Facebook 03/22/2020

“I MEAN IMAGE REMOVING YOUR METAL FENCE FOR A SCRAP DRIVE. I CAN’T... IT COST US A FORTUNE!!!”

I do not think she was scolding me. I think she was showing me ugly things can be precious and have a story. Maybe the message was my grandparents survived a World War and my family can survive a Pandemic. That my brother posted he needed paper towels and I made sure I gave him two rolls this morning. Pictures of empty selves of the grocery store are scary. Entering the grocery store is so different. I never thought my brother would post me a picture of him waiting in a line to get inside a grocery store.

Today the plan was for the whole family to be here. Uncle Charley in town. Grandma’s Pizza on the table. Little by little it fell apart.

Not being able to hug my dad on his 72nd birthday. Heart breaking. Having a birthday celebration, in the rain, 6 feet apart and not in the house, without a meal or a cake- one for the record books but still together, Grateful.

I have never been one to watch the news but lately I cannot seem to turn it off.

Rebecca

-Social Distance Picture due to my parents being in their 70’s and I am still working.

Intentions- A Month Overdue

At yoga, I was reminded today is February 1, 2014. The year of the Wood Horse.

 A month into the New Year and I never wrote out my intentions for 2014.

August 13, 2013-Febraury 1, 2014. 

It is like I took one breath and the months flew by.

So here are my “Intentions for 2014:”

1. Breathe. I can get a pretty, deep, loud, breath on my mat. However, I need to learn to breathe throughout my days, take in the beauty and just breathe. When I just breathe, I have the best outcomes. Look for the beauty, in everything. Always peek back at the journey. See how far I have come. Make time for friends. Old and new. I grow the most when surrounded with friends. 

2. Time. There is never enough time. I watch the clock. All day. Leave for work. Early. Earlier. Greet the students. Shuffle them to specials. Bathroom break. Morning Work. Math. UGH, math took too long. Lunch. Reading. Writing. Centers. More reading. No time for my own family. No time. Always racing. I need to let the clock go. I am sure every teacher feels this clock. Hovering over them. Ticking. Repeat intention number one.

3.Write more. A friend texted me,” I love your posts. You are such a great writer.” One of my papers on spelling words and how to teach spelling effectively is going to print in September in a journal. (I HATE Spelling Words and tests for the record.) I can write. Both for pleasure and for educational purposes. I started writing stories for my first graders. It was fun. Make time to write! 

(And there is that word again. TIME.)

4. “I am kind of Hippy Dippy.” I heard myself say to my team lead and she relied, “ I kind of figured that out.” There is nothing wrong with Hippy Dippy. Embrace I do not watch the news. I bathe in lavender and lather myself with eucalyptus. I use essential oils and love soybeans. I drink green tea and avoid caffeine. I believe in a connection to the divine and meditate daily. Hippy Dippy is fine. Embrace it! Which leads to...

5. Live Out Loud. I hid myself on Facebook. I did not want the people at my work to see me. I cowered in the hallways and hid in my room. A teacher at my school found me a couple of weeks ago and then another. Be myself. Choose to be seen. If they like me or not, i
t does not matter. I am Hippy Dippy anyways.

6. Continue to work on my relationship with Steven. It is time to get married. I am safe. He loves me. Life is so good right now. Continue the work on our relationship, which feels stronger than ever.

7. Family. I will never get mother of the year. Maybe I should embrace that part of my life too. I have done my best. I am not perfect. I love my children but I am always competing for their time, attention, etc. Let it go. I will never win. 

8. Continue to work out. I love to run. I can quiet my racing mind and refill my soul. I love yoga. I turn to it for growth and lets face it, a good straddle stretch can unwind a horrid day.

9 & 10. There is one student, which tries my patience every day, and can make me cringe. Learn to embrace those students who need me most. See the good in the situation and smile more. This intention is so great and my struggle is so deep, it deserves two intentions. 

So here they are, in print, for me to refer to all year long. I hope you do the same.

Choose Joy. 

First

First.

I am the first born sibling out of three.
First to drive.
First to get married.
First to have a child.
First to buy a house.
First to get divorced.
First to fail my family, my kids. Split us up.
First to accept the marriage was over.
Ah, first of anything can be celebrated, good or bad. Right or wrong. At TCU, I would always want to go first. Get it over with. Take the leap. Sometimes leaping with my eyes closed.

The "First" time I hit a handstand.

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." Martin Luther King Jr. 

First. That word rings in my ears daily.

First year teacher. First 'big girl" job. First pay check. First Grade.

A year of firsts.

A student asked me today, "Do you teach first grade?" I hear myself say, "I do."

I still cannot believe I teach first grade. I just knew I was a fourth grade writing teacher. My friends knew it. My professors knew it. And it was not to be.

My "first" First Grade Class.
21 first grade bright souls fill my every thought. I drag myself through intense workouts to quiet the constant chatter, which plagues me daily. I teach reading and writing. I put on a one act play, as I am sure most teachers do in their classroom, to engage their bright minds. To turn on a light bulb, which I know is there. "Please read when you leave my classroom," I pray.

First time to miss Halloween. I was in a parent conference.
First time to miss my son's first tennis match.
First time to miss my son's football game,
First of many invitations and dinners I have missed.

A year of firsts.

I teach writing. Not the writing I thought I was going to teach. I have a student. He would sit there and our dialogue would sound something like this. "What are you going to write about?" Student: "I don't know. I don't know how to write."

The many explanations, picture drawing, conversations, tears (both his and mine) yielded nothing.

It is day 95 in the school year and today was the FIRST time that student picked up a pencil and wrote during our writing time. He came to show me and the smile on his face is something I will remember forever. Was is perfect? No. Not even the genre we are covering. I don't care.

If I could frame that first story, I would.

Today was the first day I realized I am a writing teacher.

As I came running into my yoga studio, change of clothes in my hand, smile on my face because I left my desk a mess but I would get to do something so wonderful this evening, I received a warm smile from my teacher whom is an amazing, gifted writer. She shared a story at the beginning of class about stepping in a hole in the street over and over and over again. We walk down a street and fall into a hole. We walk down the same street the next day. We see the hole and continue to fall in the hole. We find comfort in the hole. We eventually know the hole is there, try to walk around it, and still we fall in.

Maybe one day, you don't step in the hole but accept a different path, a different street.

A "first" time down a new street.

"You Are Not a Moth!"

You are not a moth!" a friend texted me recently. I have been carrying these words with me for the past month. 

I am on day 132 of my handstand challenge, though I have been sick and took a couple of days off for some much needed rest for recuperation from a cold, which stole my voice. Mt first grade students welcomed me back with hugs, concerns, and cards overflowing from my desk piled high with papers, plans, and a computer now filled with the current virus. (I am now on my third laptop at work) My sick time left me in bed pondering these words.

"You are not a moth!" 

I once was a moth, fluttering towards the light, trying to break free from darkness, which I felt had consumed me in Arizona. Where I left a marriage, two of my children, a beautiful house, and a life I had come to love and then hate... I remember always being so cold, losing weight, gaining an eating disorder, a pill problem, fueled by a doctor who always increased my dosage. Fluttering back to Texas where my little wings were battered and torn.

When you are in the valley, keep your goal firmly in view and you will get the renewed energy to continue the climb.
Denis Waitley 

Energy. I love that word. 

Then I found light all around me. I spent hours on my horse, riding and focusing on the beauty around me. I found a relationship, different and challenging but filled with laughter. I went through two sessions of Divorce Care with friends who just let me cry. I found my home at TCU. Friends who lifted me up and challenge me to think harder than I thought possible. Karmany Yoga, where I found friends who told me repeatedly, "I matter and happiness is a choice." I found my Energy!

Energy. Recently people have started reaching out to me, to help them lose weight, find the joy they cannot see, find a yoga studio, and ask how I beat depression, found happiness. Though I do not have all of the answers, this is my current mantra:

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
Albert Camus 

1. Be active. I remember my body hurting from coldness and stillness. Move. Go for a walk. A run. But MOVE! HAVE FUN!!!

2. Do not spend your precious time on this Earth on negative moments. My Facebook is filled with positive, wonderful, people who lift me up daily. I do not watch the news. I very rarely know what is happening in the gigantic world. I have learned I cannot carry the weight of the world and I am ok wth it. I choose to READ about it if I feel I might need to catch up on current events. Which leads to number 3.

3. Listen to your body. Easier said than done as I am still working on this part. I am in charge about what I put into my body. About two years ago, my doctor told me I was allergic to caffeine. Yes, I chose to not listen to those dreaded words. Six months ago, my body and mind were still enough for me to conclude, you are not well. Could it be your doctor may have been right? These last six months I am caffeine free and it is hard but I sleep better than I have EVER!

4. The universe listens. Maybe it is God, I am not sure. However, I do know the universe listens and sometimes the answer is “Yes” and sometimes the answer is “No.” I shouted out to the world I wanted to go to TCU and a recruiter was placed in my path at just the right time. I have shouted to the universe I want to go to gradate school and I am employed at a school where graduate school is paid for. 

Do not be afraid to shout out your dreams. 

5. Set intentions. No matter how big or small. I wanted to be inspiring. It was an intention I set at the beginning of the year. I have inspired friends to go back to school, lose weight, ask for help about depression, yoga, lesson planning, etc. 

6. I do not know everything. Keep learning.

7. Spend time doing what you love. I love teaching first grade! I love yoga, food, reading, and writing. Spend time filling yourself back up with what you love. 

8. Embrace change. 

9. Do not be afraid to fall, for those moments are when you will grow the most. If I think I am going to fall in a handstand, I always fall. If I go into my handstand with no fear, I nail it every time. 

Which lead me back to "You are not a moth!"

There has been a moth in my classroom, huddled on the wall by my desk. I look at him every morning and think how in the last four years, my life has transformed. I am changing lives daily through my career. I learn about myself from my handstands. I am happy. She was right.  I am the "Light!"