Present, for the First Time on MY Mat!

I have been missing my 8:30 yoga class so I decided I need to figure out which evening classes are going to work into my new “big girl job” life. I walked in to yoga tonight and the class was full. Yikes. Evening yoga is different but I love full classes. I make my way back to the back and of course, two lovely women make room for me. I had a great day today! I have smiled, been the magnificent badass I know I am by just being present.

This morning was beautiful. The sunrise was brilliant. I spent this morning in class, blah, but with my friends, yea! I reached out to my LOL partner, Lisa and shared some joy and inspiration with her. I took a nap and spent time with my dad. I mean I had a truly great, non-eventful day.

I look up from my mat and there is a woman who was my child’s second grade teacher. She knew me when I was happily married, a stay at home mom, the school’s PTA president, a beautiful time in my life before my marriage fell apart and I was thrown away, to be replaced by my best friend. My ex-best friend still works at her school.

The dialogue went like this:

Amber: Come onto a block and go inside.

Me: Oh no. Please do not let her see me. I want to run from this room. What if she recognizes me? What am I going to say? Am I really going to say, “I am great? I lost two of my kids. I miss them but they live with Michael. You remember him; I am sure Veronica talks about my family.” Wait! Maybe she does not recognize me.

Amber: Come into your breath.

Me: I cannot breath, Amber! I am in pain. The pain is flooding in. Tears are starting to form. Oh, gosh what if Amber calls me out in class? Will she say my whole name? Wait! I am safe. She is not going to use my married name. I can be invisible. I will not stand out. I will just blend in. Amber is talking about my neck and tension. UGGGGGGG can she feel my tension?

Then I finally shook off the inner dialogue and I had a break through. How many times have I listened to Rebecca and Amber speak about staying present on your own mat? I have never known what the hell they were talking about! I decided to stop my inner voice that was not serving me. Could I let it go?

Then the dialogue went like this:

Amber: Bring your shoulders straight up to your ears.

Me: I left a situation where I did not feel love. I have made it through college and not any college but I chose TCU, a college, which has challenged me and made me step out of my comfort zone by being present in class and stretching off of my mat everyday. I have met amazing friends and people. I am a badass and she probably has no idea who I am. I am going to enjoy this class and smile. I am going to stay on my mat, not her mat. I will focus on my breath and not on thoughts, which do not serve me and make me weak. I will smile and have a great class. Can I focus on my core the whole class and lift my toes? I can do it!

We continue through the neck releases and I hear Amber.

Amber: Let’s lay back, core work!

Me: Woo Hoo!

And I smiled. I had a great time! I held my handstand for ten breaths! I counted my breaths in a handstand! I got my big ole head (on my right side) under my ankle in head to ankle.  I stayed on my mat and Amber even commented on my smile.

75 minutes flew by! I was present the whole time on MY mat. And it was a beautiful class.

Thank you LOLers for being honest about your feelings and sharing them with me. I gathered all of our readings, your posts, Amber’s words, our readings, and Karmen’s neck massages and I let them flow through me on my mat.

I left Karmony tonight a strong happy badass!

Namaste

Intentions for 2013

My life, my journey, is amazing and it is mine. I own it! I believe in writing down reflections and goals. As I sit here reflecting on my remarkable year of 2012, I see room for growth.  

Personal Goals for 2013:

1.     I will live in the moment. I want to enjoy my days on this beautiful planet and I cannot do that if I am constantly looking ahead. I will look ahead briefly to make sure I am still on my path and glance behind to see where I have been, but I want to focus on the current day, moment, second. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is not here. What if I only have today and I miss it?

2.     I will embrace change. Change is constant and every life goes through difficult changes as well as peace. I want to learn to go with the flow of change instead of trying to stop it from occurring.

3.     I will quit asking people if they are okay. I know this sounds weird but I always ask Steven, my kids, and my friends if everything is okay the minute I notice they seem distant. Maybe they are thinking about something other than me, God forbid. I need to believe in them. If they have something to share, they will share it.

4.     I will finish school and ENJOY it! Quit looking at my planner, checking off assignments or events, and instead, enjoy the time I have to learn and grow with my friends. I will not get to see these amazing women I call my friends everyday and though I feel like ready for this chapter in my life to come to an end, I want to enjoy my last days at TCU and student teaching.

5.     I will focus on what I have instead of what I do not. 

6.     Positive energy works better than negative energy. I want to focus on the positives in my life and in every situation. I have a tendency to absorb sadness from television shows, the news, other people’s lives, etc. My health and mind cannot take it and so I will work diligently to disconnect from sadness that is not my sadness.

7.     I will quit disempowering myself. “I can’t,” “I’m not good enough,” “I’m scared,” or “I’m sorry,” are my favorite inner dialogues I tend to begin my thoughts with. Instead, I want to change those thoughts to, “ I can,” and “I am a badass, I got this.”

8.     I will continue to work on my physical body. My physical self is important and I only have this one body. Working out is not an option. The option is what kind of workout fits into my schedule today.

9.     I will get a job. YIKES!!!! Though I have heard the first few years of teaching is hard, I want to remind myself “I can” do this job. I want to let the scary parts which are in the future go. Please see goal number one.

10. I will read and write for pleasure. Television is one of my favorite recapitulation past times and while I do not want to get rid of it completely, I want to remind myself I also love to read and to write. I want to turn off the television when I am going to bed and instead read or journal.